Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.