COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
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So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
the Monday after daylight savings
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?