Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
You Might Also Like
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
#ParentingFacts
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF