[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
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Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..