Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
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Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).