Omg 🤣
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If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”