I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
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You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I hate everything
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.