When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
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Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Goodnight 🐶
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Same post same
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.