The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
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[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
My what?
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.