ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
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The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!