I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
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To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works