If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
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I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much