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Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
me 2 months after i graduated
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
it was love at first sight
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.