*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
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He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars