Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
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Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
uncle dave has been through hell
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down