totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
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Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.