My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
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My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Have a lovely day 😊
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.