No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
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If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Labreador
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
So true for me
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.