Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
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It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳