m’lady
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I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
¯_(ツ)_/¯
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
only 11 steps left
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.