What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
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Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
#catsoftwitter
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band