BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
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Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.