Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
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*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.