[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
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How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job