Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
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amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
TODAY
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.