I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
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Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
The biggest mystery of our time
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Wait a minute
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.