Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
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Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me: