Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
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A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
lmao
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.