Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
You Might Also Like
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling