Today’s Times
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If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.