Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
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I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?