[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
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If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
A drum solo but on your face.
Skills
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.