you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
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Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Maths meets science
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again