I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
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Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.