Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
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KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.