this is so top tier i cant
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I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
President The Rock Obama
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America