I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
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In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
But wait…
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
In Canada they just call them geese