“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
You Might Also Like
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever