Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
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I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
🖤✌🏽
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Think I pulled my liver
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
black phone good
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?