I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
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if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
In Canada they just call them geese
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Twitter is an abusement park.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.