Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
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I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that鈥檚 cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it鈥檚 kinda creepy.
after i eat lunch there鈥檚 a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn鈥檛 a theme.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 馃幍JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he鈥檚 in the kitchen, he鈥檚 burning a brisket
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you鈥檝e been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Me at 15: I can鈥檛 wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I鈥檓 wondering why the hell I鈥檓 not.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid鈥檚 name.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
LOIS LANE: let鈥檚 watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*