*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
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I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Natty or not?
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣