*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
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See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I get distracted pretty eas
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.