Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
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I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.