I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
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Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Noah was an idiot.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on