Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
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Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Air conditioning – not a fan
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”