For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
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Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
mariah carrie
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
My background check bounced.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.