Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
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Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
hey, alexa
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.