QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
You Might Also Like
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl