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My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Facebook marketplace is a different world
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster